Week 1

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Week 1 Recap

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the scoreboard

1. Tender Tugdowns139.26105.46Meatball ThunderJustin Mancovskydef.Matt Garvey

   First up, buddy! Tender Tugdowns dropped 139.26 — Josh Allen went for 39.66 and Jonathan Taylor 25.1. Justin lost the ass bowl last year, guy. Dead last in the whole league. And Garvey? Won the ice cream lottery, took Gibbs first overall, and lost by 34 to the fella who picked twelfth. Second-most points in the league last year and still missed the playoffs, eh. Meatball Thunder, friend? More like a light drizzle.

2. Davis “Davis Clark” Clark123.26111.6bucketsMCnidasJohn Mastascusadef.Shane Farley

   The puffer jacket gets a W, friend! John went 3-and-11 last year — that's not a record, that's a cry for help — and now Chris Olave 28.2, Trey McBride 24.5, and McCaffrey's hamstrings held for one whole week. McNidas ate a gallon in fifty minutes and twelve seconds, buddy, then left Chuba Hubbard's 23.7 on the bench. Ate a gallon, benched a starter. Consistent, eh. Consistently wrong.

3. Team Moroney130.2114.42Booty JuicersMatt Dignandef.Danny McDermott

   Now hold on. Hold ON, guy. Dignan's Team Moroney — my C-plus, my SHAME — put up 130.2! Jaxson Dart, the seventh-round rookie, 32.6. Christian Watson, 32.7. And he still left Jalen Coker's 33.8 on the bench, buddy! Danny's Booty Juicers had Derrick Henry for 35.3, but more on Danny in a minute, eh. Sorry, Danny.

4. $hit boyz134.186.7Noah's NuggetsPatrick Rodgersdef.Chris Rodgers

   The champ is BACK, buddy! Eleven and three last year, ran the playoffs, and Trevor Lawrence opens with 34.1! I said the $hit boyz had no running backs, and it turns oot they don't need any, eh. Noah's Nuggets scored 86.7, and their top scorer was the KICKER, friend. Evan McPherson, 19. Matthew Stafford, 4.1. That's not a nugget, guy. That's a crouton.

5. Unaware of JoshJacobs Situation143.8296.26Griddy GodConnor Reardondef.Quenten Harrell

   Connor's team put up 143.82 and he's aware of NOTHING, buddy! Jalen Hurts 30.72, Amon-Ra 28.7, Nico 21.2. Meanwhile Quenten changed his name from Love the Way it Hurts to Griddy God, started C.J. Stroud over Patrick Mahomes, and lost by 47 and a half, eh. There was no griddy, guy. Only hurt. Shoulda kept the old name, friend.

6. Woolbinkie6969117.6115.86Goblin ModeAaron Todddef.Michael Moroney

   Closest game of the week, friend! The commish snuck past the goblin by 1.74 points, eh. Moroney — the OTHER Moroney, the one who went 4-and-10 last year — started Jordan Addison for a big fat ZERO while Cam Ward sat on the bench with 13.7. Best draft in the league, beat by the fella with no running backs. I'm gonna hear aboot this at Thanksgiving, buddy.

7. Chef Tini163.26118.94Joe Didn’t KnowKyle Lentinidef.Zach Karalis

   And the main course, guy! Chef Tini cooked up 163.26 — highest score in the whole league — with Ja'Marr Chase, the third overall pick, scoring THREE POINTS. Caleb Williams 41.26, Kenneth Walker 34.1, and that RB soup I made fun of? Montgomery 28.9, Javonte 24.2. Chef, I owe ya a sorry, eh. Zach's 118.94 woulda beat FOUR other teams, buddy. Sorry, Joe. You didn't know.

the hardware

1. Blunder
   Bench BlunderBooty JuicersDanny McDermott

   The Bench Blunder of the Week goes to Danny and the Booty Juicers, eh! Tyler Shough scored 29.2 on the bench while Drake Maye started and put up 11.82. Swap 'em and Danny WINS by 1.6, buddy. And here's the kicker, guy: Danny drafted Maye in the THIRD ROUND. Shough was an AUTOPICK in round twelve. The computer out-drafted him and he's still benchin' the computer. Danny sealed a 93-minute ice cream time and got pick fourteen. Doomsday time, doomsday lineup.

2. 86.7
   Crouton of the WeekNoah's NuggetsChris Rodgers

   Lowest score in the league: Noah's Nuggets, 86.7. Chargers defense, zero. Stafford, 4.1. Puka Nacua, the fourth overall pick, 12.4. Chris, buddy, Malik Willis had 16.7 sittin' on your bench, eh. The baby needs a nap, friend.

3. 163.26
   Top DawgChef TiniKyle Lentini

   And the Top Dawg of Week One: Chef Tini, 163.26. Nobody else cracked 145, guy. Kyle, your B-plus is lookin' like an A-plus and I'm lookin' like an idiot, eh. Sorry. I AM sorry this time, buddy.

standings after week 1

Scores are ESPN’s. The commentary is Moroney’s. Sorted by record, then points for.