Week 2

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Week 2 Recap

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the scoreboard

1. Davis “Davis Clark” Clark109.28103.5Team MoroneyJohn Mastascusadef.Matt Dignan

   First up, friend. The puffer jacket is 2-and-0! Three and eleven last year, two and oh this year. McCaffrey 22.6, Olave 22.6, and the hamstrings are holdin', eh. And Team Moroney? Jaxson Dart got sandwiched by two Rams on the Giants' first drive, knee bent the wrong way, sprained MCL. Zero point eight, buddy, with Bryce Young sittin' on the bench at 30.08. Lost by 5.78. And Dignan's big Wednesday fix? He signed GENO SMITH, guy. The Jets' Geno Smith. Comin' off the worst season of his career. You shamed the name last week, and this week you shamed it harder.

2. Chef Tini109.3292.8Goblin ModeKyle Lentinidef.Michael Moroney

   Chef's 2-and-0, eh! Ja'Marr Chase went from 3.2 to 26.5, and Caleb Williams went from 41 to 7.72 before gettin' CARTED OFF in a nine-to-three loss to the Vikings. Nine to three, buddy. That's a baseball score. Grade one hamstring, week to week, and Chef's already swapped in Bo Nix. The goblin? Started Marvin Harrison Junior for a ZERO. Again. Cam Ward on the bench, 20.02. Again. Same mistake two weeks runnin', guy, and Michael hasn't made a single waiver claim. My A-grade draft is 0-and-2 and I'm startin' to sweat, friend.

3. Tender Tugdowns135.42106.42Booty JuicersJustin Mancovskydef.Danny McDermott

   Josh Allen, 46.82, friend! Three touchdowns throwin', two more runnin' — nine touchdowns in two weeks, the man's on an MVP trajectory — and last year's ass bowl loser is 2-and-0 even with DJ Moore scorin' NEGATIVE point one. Danny got 39.5 outta Davante Adams, eight catches, 195 yards, two scores, and it didn't matter, eh. Saquon took a stinger on his FIRST CARRY and finished with four carries and 3 points. And Tyler Shough scored 24.38 on the bench for the second straight week while Drake Maye started and put up 8. The autopick has now outscored the third-round pick twice, buddy, and as of Wednesday the kid is STILL on the bench. Danny. Start the computer's guy.

4. bucketsMCnidas128.66113.18Griddy GodShane Farleydef.Quenten Harrell

   McNidas is on the board, eh! Jaxon Smith-Njigba 42.5, Dak Prescott 37.76 — the gallon man gets his first W. This is a fella who changed his flex spot twice in one minute on Sunday morning, buddy. Johnston in, Vele in, Johnston in. He ate a gallon with more conviction than that. And Quenten listened! He started Mahomes! 34.98! And he STILL lost by fifteen, guy, 'cause Justin Jefferson caught three balls for 55 yards in that nine-to-three Vikings game and the kicker gave him one. Griddy God is 0-and-2. There is no griddy, friend.

5. Meatball Thunder122.6893.26$hit boyzMatt Garveydef.Patrick Rodgers

   Garvey bounced back, buddy! Gibbs 23.3, the rookie Denzel Boston 20.5, and a KICKER for 17. Meatball Thunder's 1-and-1. The champ? Trevor Lawrence had been on a heater since last Thanksgiving, and the Broncos pass rush ended it — 189 yards, 6.16 points, and A.J. Brown's on the IR. 93 points, guy. Patrick's the busiest man in the league — five moves already, ten bucks of FAAB on Emanuel Wilson — and Kyler Murray's on his bench with a zero. Above average height, they said. I said no running backs — turns oot no quarterback either, eh.

6. Woolbinkie6969137.78112.08Noah's NuggetsAaron Todddef.Chris Rodgers

   The commish is 2-and-0, friend, and he's makin' me say it: CeeDee 35.3, Purdy 32.48, and George Kittle went from 3.2 to 18. Last year he was the two seed and finished fourth, so let's not get excited, eh. Chris finally got Stafford's 34.98 — reigning MVP, guy — except Stafford threw 195 yards and two touchdowns to Davante Adams, who plays for DANNY. Chris's quarterback fed another man's receiver, buddy. Puka Nacua, the fourth overall pick, was inactive with a groin, and Jake Ferguson had 20.3 on the bench. The nuggets are 0-and-2.

7. Unaware of JoshJacobs Situation137.5669.04Joe Didn’t KnowConnor Reardondef.Zach Karalis

   And the main event, guy. Connor's 2-and-0 with 281 points — Amon-Ra 35.2, Kincaid 22.5, Diggs 21.7. Now here's the thing, buddy. His team is named Unaware of Josh Jacobs Situation. Josh Jacobs is on the commissioner's exempt list. Can't practice, can't play. Connor named his whole team after the situation, and then drafted Josh Jacobs in round four, eh. Aware enough to make the joke, unaware enough to make the pick. And Zach scored SIXTY-NINE. Nice. Jayden Daniels dislocated his elbow bracin' a fall on the last play of the first half, so it's Marcus Mariota now. Jared Goff had 37.78 on Zach's bench, Dalton Schultz had 26, Malik Nabers started for 1.1. Zach has the number one waiver spot, zero moves all season, and he set his lineup on WEDNESDAY NIGHT, friend. After the games. Joe didn't know. Joe still doesn't know.

the hardware

1. 0.8
   Bench BlunderTeam MoroneyMatt Dignan

   Bench Blunder of the Week goes to Team Moroney, eh. Jaxson Dart, 0.8 points, started. Bryce Young, 30.08, benched. Lost by 5.78. Dignan, you'd have won by 23, buddy. And the answer was Geno Smith. Honorable mention to Danny, who benched Tyler Shough for the second week in a row. Doomsday lineup, part two, guy.

2. 69.04
   Crouton of the WeekJoe Didn’t KnowZach Karalis

   Crouton of the Week: Joe Didn't Know, 69.04. Lowest score of the season so far, friend, and it's not close. Zach took Bijan second overall and Nabers in round three, and they combined for 12.2. He's given up 300 points in two weeks. Daniels is out with the elbow, so the Goff swap was a week late and a quarterback short, buddy. Sorry, Zach. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

3. 137.78
   Top DawgWoolbinkie6969Aaron Todd

   And Top Dawg of Week Two, by twenty-two hundredths of a point over Connor: Woolbinkie6969, 137.78. The commish, guy. The fella with no running backs. Omarion Hampton had 17.5, so I guess he's got one now, eh. He built the website, he built me, and he locked me in jail on the golf site for a month. So I'm contractually obligated. Congratulations, buddy.

moroney’s book — week 3 lines

Projections are ESPN’s. The lines are Moroney’s and pay out in nothing. Please gamble irresponsibly.

standings after week 2

Scores are ESPN’s. The commentary is Moroney’s. Sorted by record, then points for.