Week 5

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Week 5 Recap

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the scoreboard

1. Griddy God123.14112.44Joe Didn’t KnowQuenten Harrelldef.Zach Karalis

   First up, friend. GRIDDY GOD WINS! Quenten's off the schneid, eh. Mahomes was on a bye, so he started C.J. Stroud for 22.94, Pat Freiermuth 21.5, Matthew Golden 20.3. And remember the Jets defense, buddy? The big fix that scored zero last week? 18 points. On the BENCH. He started the Texans for 15 instead and won anyway. Zach got 34.94 from Goff, three touchdown passes in a 45-21 win in Arizona, and Nabers 29.1. But here's the thing, guy. Jayden Daniels was cleared full go off the elbow, came back, and scored 32.26. In Zach's IR slot. Nobody moved him. Joe didn't know. One and four, friend.

2. Noah's Nuggets149.72130.94bucketsMCnidasChris Rodgersdef.Shane Farley

   The baby's rollin', eh! Monday night, Rams and Bills, overtime. Stafford threw to Puka Nacua 24 times, buddy. Twenty-four. Puka caught 17 of 'em for 138 yards and a touchdown. Most catches anybody's ever had against the Bills. 37.7 points, and Stafford 33.32. Week Two, Stafford was feedin' Danny's receiver. This week he fed the baby's, guy. Rams lost in overtime and Chris didn't care, 149.72, two and three. The gallon man got 31.5 from Bucky Irving, started the Bears defense for negative 2, and lost by 18.78. Sorry, Shane.

3. $hit boyz138.74136.08Team MoroneyPatrick Rodgersdef.Matt Dignan

   This one's personal, buddy. Team Moroney scored 136.08 and LOST by 2.66. Christian Watson 32.3, James Cook 22.8, and Bryce Young was on a bye, so it was Geno Smith's turn, 11.98. Fine. But Dignan put Roman Wilson in the flex. Zero, eh. Jacory Croskey-Merritt, 14.2, on the bench. Courtland Sutton, 9.8, on the bench. And the champ? Isaiah Likely 32.4, Parker Washington 30.4, Trevor Lawrence 25.74, Kyler Murray 20.26 on the bench, and Tyreek Hill still on the roster at zero, guy. Patrick's 2-and-3. Dignan, you shamed the name by two points and sixty-six hundredths, friend.

4. Tender Tugdowns110.58100.26Woolbinkie6969Justin Mancovskydef.Aaron Todd

   The commish LOSES, buddy! First loss of the year, and I am contractually obligated to be sad aboot it. I'm sad, eh. Jaylen Warren went for 36.8, an 80-yard catch-and-run and a 50-yard touchdown run against the Colts. But CeeDee Lamb 2.9, Deebo 2.5 in the flex, the Cowboys defense NEGATIVE 2, and Emeka Egbuka scored 17.2 on the bench, guy. Swap Egbuka in and the commish wins by 4.38. And Justin? Josh Allen ran for 121 yards on Monday night and won the first overtime game of his career, he was 0-and-7 before, guy. And the Rams kicker who got a field goal blocked in that overtime? Harrison Mevis. JUSTIN'S kicker. 2 points. Justin's quarterback beat Justin's kicker and Justin's 4-and-1 with zero moves all season, friend.

5. Meatball Thunder166.897.3Unaware of JoshJacobs SituationMatt Garveydef.Connor Reardon

   Meatball THUNDER, buddy! 166.8. Highest score of the whole season, eh, past Chef's 163. Jahmyr Gibbs, the first overall pick, 151 rushing yards and two touchdowns in Arizona, 37.7. Burrow 32.6, Pickens 28. Garvey's spent zero dollars of FAAB all year, guy. And Connor? His top scorer was the KICKER. Spencer Shrader, 21. Jalen Hurts started for 15, and Jordan Love scored 29.28 on the bench. Again, friend. He benched Love's 312 yards in Week Three too. Josh Jacobs, zero, bench. Lost by 69 and a half. Unaware of the quarterback situation now too, buddy.

6. Goblin Mode123.4897.64Davis “Davis Clark” ClarkMichael Moroneydef.John Mastascusa

   And the LOCK, guy! Goblin Mode, plus 269, on the road, McMillan on a bye, Lamar out with a sprained ankle. And the goblin WON BY 26, eh! Jacoby Brissett, the backup plan, got sacked five times in a 45-21 loss to the Lions and still scored 31.28, buddy. And who caught 19.8 on the other side of that same game? Sam LaPorta. The goblin's tight end. Goblin had both sides of the Lions and Cardinals and ate either way, friend. Braelon Allen 18.6 in the flex, Marvin Harrison Junior on the bench where he belongs. The puffer jacket got 21.6 from McBride and 4.2 from Tee Higgins. Three and two, John. I'm three and oh, guy.

7. Booty Juicers111.1484.82Chef TiniDanny McDermottdef.Kyle Lentini

   And the main event, buddy. Danny started Tyler Shough again. 16 of 25, 96 yards, two picks, a 23-13 loss to the Vikings. NEGATIVE 0.16, eh. Drake Maye, on the bench: 26 of 34, 374 yards, four touchdown passes and one more on the ground, 45-17 over the Raiders. 47.46. And one of those touchdowns went to Hunter Henry, guy, who was in DANNY'S FLEX. Danny's benched quarterback threw a touchdown to Danny's started tight end. Five weeks, buddy. Five for five on the wrong quarterback. The benched one has outscored the started one 165 to 41. And Danny WON. Mike Evans 26.3, Jason Myers kicked for 23, Davante 22.1, because Chef was a 243 favorite and scored 84.82. Doomsday lineup, doomsday luck, friend. He's 2-and-3.

the hardware

1. 14.2
   Bench BlunderTeam MoroneyMatt Dignan

   Bench Blunder of the Week: Team Moroney. Roman Wilson, zero, in the flex. Croskey-Merritt, 14.2, on the bench. Lost by 2.66. Swap 'em and Dignan wins by eleven and a half, buddy. My name, my blunder, eh. The commish benched Egbuka's 17 and lost too, but I'm contractually obligated not to give it to him. And Danny benched 47 points and WON, guy, so he doesn't qualify. Somehow.

2. 84.82
   Crouton of the WeekChef TiniKyle Lentini

   Crouton of the Week: Chef Tini, 84.82. Lowest score of the week, friend. Bo Nix 9.92, David Montgomery 1.1, Samaje Perine 15.8 on the bench. Lost as a 186 favorite last week and a 243 favorite this week, buddy, and this time to a fella who started a quarterback with NEGATIVE points. Chef, I owe ya a sorry for the third time this season. Sorry, eh.

3. 166.8
   Top DawgMeatball ThunderMatt Garvey

   And Top Dawg of Week Five: Meatball Thunder, 166.8! The new season high, guy. I gave Garvey an A-minus for Gibbs and said he had more sauce than his meatballs, and he's 3-and-2 with the most points in the league since Week Two, buddy. Enjoy it, friend. The Lions are on a bye next week and ESPN projects ya for 63. Congratulations, eh.

moroney’s book — week 6 lines

Projections are ESPN’s. The lines are Moroney’s and pay out in nothing. Please gamble irresponsibly.

standings after week 5

Scores are ESPN’s. The commentary is Moroney’s. Sorted by record, then points for.